Funny Stuff! Post all your funny jokes, videos, stories etc in here!

[TTR Dr Payne]

Heres a whole crap load of funny game show answers from a British game show.


BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and royal person at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.


DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?



MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.


MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er . . . three?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)
Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?


THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?


DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton


DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.



BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[TTR Dr Payne]

Heres some funny pictures.

[TTR Dr Payne]

For some reason you can only put 4 pictures into a single post....

[TTR Dr Payne]

Husband Shopping:

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman can go to choose a future life partner from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
However, there is a catch, as you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down unless to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the store to find a husband, and on the first floor the sign on the door reads, "floor one- - these men have jobs " , the woman reads the sign and says to herself , "well , that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s up further".
The second floor reads "floor two - - these men have jobs and love children" , great thinks the woman, but I wonder what’s upstairs.
the third floor sign reads " these men have jobs , love children, and are extremely good looking", excited she goes up to the next floor.
The fourth floor reads "floor four- - these men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help with the housework ".
Wow exclaims the woman, very tempting, but there must be more upstairs.
The fifth floor signs reads “floor five- - these men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking help with the housework and have a very strong romantic streak".
Oh mercy me, shrieks the woman, but just think what must be awaiting me further on. So up she goes to the sixth floor.
The sixth floor sign reads, "floor six.......you are visitor 3,456,789,012 . There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at husband mart, and have a nice day.


The Magic Frog

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...

Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish.? "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish the bear was g-a-y."






Please post your score(Dont cheat...)
Scoring:
21 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

Questions:
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each rumpy pumpy did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?







ANSWERS:
1. yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc...)
2. one a year
3. all months have (at least) 28 days
4. the beggar is the woman's sister
5. because he is living
6. 6 (3 per side)
7. no. the man would be dead
8. they are not playing each other
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)
10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)
13. light the match first
14. half way (then he would be running out)
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. Moses was not on the ark
18. he weighs meat
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton

[TTR Dr Payne]

>>I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
>>differ
>>so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
>>thing. I
>>have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
>>their heart.
>>
>>FOR EXAMPLE:
>>
>>One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
>>Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
>>don't
>>feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What
>>was that?!"
>>So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
>>hear...
>>"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
>>for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
>>my
>>puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
>>not what
>>I do for you in the bedroom?"
>>Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
>>to sleep.
>>
>>The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
>>with her.
>>We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
>>unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
>>on
>>several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
>>one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
>>shoes to
>>compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
>>outfit."
>>We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair
>>of
>>diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
>>have
>>thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
>>was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
>>doesn't
>>even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when
>>I said,
>> "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
>>from all of
>>the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally
>>said, "I think
>>this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
>>
>>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
>>don't feel like it."
>>Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
>>baffled,
>>"WHAT?"
>>I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
>>while. You're just
>>not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough, for me to
>>satisfy your
>>shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like
>>she was
>>going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am
>>and not for
>>the things I buy you?"
>>
>>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she
>>knows I'm smarter than her.







How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food






Dad Has a Point

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"




He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... Good idea - You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and bottom burp!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... Why did the man cross the road?

She said... He heard the chicken was a slug.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... What do men and sperm have in common?

She said... They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

She said... He buys two cases of beer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... What is the difference between men and government bonds?

She said... The bonds mature.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... Why are blonde jokes so short?

She said... So men can remember them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?

She said... They already have boyfriends.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

She said... A widow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said... Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.





Not So Stupid

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

[TTR Dr Payne]

This riddle MUST be done in your head and NOT using pen and paper.

Take 1000.
And add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add another 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

Now Scroll Down ....

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//
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//
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//
\\
//
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//
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//
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//
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//
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//
\\

Did you get 5000? Seems most people do.
The answer actually is ...

//
\\
//
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//
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//
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//
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//
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//
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//
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//
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4100. Don't believe it? Try it with your calculator.

Don't you feel like an idiot? Well... This has been done by MANY. The result always being the same...








Moral Maze

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice?



Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.



















Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler



If you said yes to the abortion question...

...you just killed Beethoven.





>Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
>were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
>deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
>jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
>When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
>immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
>considered Edna to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
>she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're
>being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
>jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act
>displays you have a sound mind.
>
>The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
>with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is
>dead."
>
>Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
>I go home


Alright i think thats enough for one night... I got lots more coming so dont worry! Im not anywhere near half way through my collection yet! I will try to keep a lot to one post so i dont make so many posts at once.

[TTR Dr Payne]

USA Workers

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
This leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
This leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
This leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your donkey,
at your computer,
reading jokes.
Nice, Real Nice.




A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"









Zipper Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.






A fireman was working on one of the engines outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That's really a nice fire engine", the fireman said with admiration!

"Thanks" the girl said.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Sweetheart", the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a little faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!







5 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave
emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an
emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do
with it:
FIRST
In an Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find
yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is
an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network
to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number
112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
SECOND
Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy
someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the
car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell
phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your
car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button,
holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no
object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach
someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the
doors (or the trunk).



Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked
our car over a cell phone!"


THIRD
Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the
keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument
will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when
you charge your cell next time.
FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following
digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the
screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep
it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your
service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to
block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone
will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but
at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If
everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile
phones.


FIFTH
Free Directory Service for Cells
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for
411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry
a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even
more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option,
simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any
charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

[TTR Dr Payne]

C'mon! Somebody else post something, lol. I think i have enough funny stories up for now. I'll wait untill some other ppl post things before i post more stuff. I have a whole ton more stuff, i will start posting some videos after other ppl post before i start posting more stories and jokes because its becoming quite a long read ive noticed, lol.

[IllBashU]

funny cat pics.
put your hands up!

Matrics!

Sniper!

Dont make me do it!

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ill add more soon